You are the God of miracles...

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march 7, 2016
papa
elijah challenged the people in I kings 18:21
how long are you going to sit on the fence?
IF God is the real God, follow Him
if it’s Baal, follow him
make up your minds!
oh Lord, i come boldly this morning
running to you father
if i can just get to you
just get to my father
oh i boldly plead for the restoring + rebuilding of my family
that they encounter Your father’s heart for them
that it is good and ONLY good!
let’s turn the tables church
lets take HOPE into the streets
let’s speak over our homes + our families
and the people in them
even if it is in ruins
especially if it is ruins
i am so done with playing it safe
playing by the “fear of man”
by social media and what will they think
time is running out + unless your deal already
NOW is the time
we have life in us
i want to go so deep Spitit
tell me where to go
where is the sound of the silent screams that i can go
and give what You have given me
oh papa, my heart is just breaking over my family
my marriage
almost 25 years
and i know in the natural it is beyond repair.  it is hopeless.  i know.
You have proved Yourself so faithful to my YES..to me giving You my trust
You are my Husband
You are delighted with where You + i are today
i know
i went to sleep in you lap last night with you gentle rocking and sushing
and “ it’s going to be ok’s “
as i sobbed + sobbed the lost 25 years that “feel” wasted
the years of prayers not answered
or answered in the way i believed they would be
it is all so different that i thought
and we aren’t even that far off the map yet papa
when i’m honest the only thing i can remember about my life is pain
growing up and up until the last 10 months the pain wasn’t only on the inside
it was coming from the outside too
“ i can’t take anymore pain” was and still is at times a tape that plays in my thinking
as i see the 25 years coming to a close
my first husband passing away 4 months ago
with so much that was left unsaid
it is happening again
so much left unsaid
living with shame + guilt.  a whole life long.  letting them make your choices.
so much left unsaid
i replay the years of moving to so many houses
my kids being little
trying so hard to make the family that i had dreamt of since i can remember
trying to fix so many things that weren’t mine and just making more + more of mess
i left my children when my life came crashing down in a million pieces when my grandma
died and i met the neighbor boy at 12
and set in motion that i was going to make him love me
+ was married at 16
she was my little god.  she was who i looked to for safety
for rescue
she took care of us
we were so young we couldn’t take care of ourselves + our little family
and one day she was just gone
so much left unsaid
and i didn’t know what to do
how to live right
how to love + be loved in safety.  in wholeness.  in balance.  in respect
after my first divorce i was willing to go to hell and back to make it work
in many ways i did
taking my children with me
i see You Papa all over the place
i have have words from you from 15 years ago
You constantly leave me in awe + wonder
watching you so gently walk with my kids
walk with me
save Him papa!  DO SOMETHING!  i know You are
i don’t say that in doubt
You know that
sometimes i just want to give up + move on
i did last time i was home
i took that step and said those words
how do you put to rest 25 years
when i ask myself
did we make such a mess with everything - there is such a long way to go abba
will i live to see it?
i’m middle aged now
fairty-tales don’t come true for old people in the natural do they?
they aren’t on the silver screen
only the pretty + plastic
i don’t want anymore of that
i want REAL + supernatural
i want to live to see your sons + daughters do exploits
making signs these days is copied ALL OF THE TIME
You + i know that our backstory is one of rescue
social media doesn’t know that
but You + i do
that can’t be copied
because it is a supernatural working
it is Your story.  Your glory.  Your impossible that becomes possible
Your rescue
it would not be the same
without the backstory
You walked every single second with me.  You went into it all with me
night after night of the breaking of bones
battling the night fears and whispers of lies in my ear
the despair of EVER living life again
the difference to then + now is i KNOW WHO I AM
the wilderness changed me
You found me.  filled me.
now the tables have turned
and i want to use them to turn the tables on the enemy of the family
the family needs HOPE
in flesh
in the sons + daughters of God
taking HOPE to the streets
COMFORT to the streets
help me Papa.  show me where.  let me HEAR the sound.
when the question that has been unanswered my whole life
until this last year
can it take 47 years?  yes.  God’s timing is sure not ours.
in my human mind i ask?  now what papa?  i’m old
my children are grown..
“ do you love me enough to come after me? “
oh how You smiled and laughed out loud
and reached down and gathered me into Your arms
and held me so tight
all the questions fell off as i opened my heart as wide as i could
and received it all
You really like me!!!  oh my!  i am so loved!!
i buried my face in Your smell
frankensnse…that is what You smell like Papa
and i wept.  and wept and wept until there were no more tears
while you just rocked and comforted
our tears mingled and dropped one by one pooling around our
love
i rested.  i choose to trust one more day
You are the God of miracles + if there were not impossible hopeless broken and bruised
hurting abused … despair + depression
then the rescues would be nothing out of the ordinary
it is the Light of Your fiery love that dispels the darkness
Now is the time to share your Father’s heart
that you are a good good Father
that the spirit of religion is shouted down
it is time that the captives be set free
that families have a place to come for the Light to come and dispel the darkness.. the secrets
to have a safe place to encounter Freedom…to encounter Jesus
the enemy has us living in false fears!
we WE, in Jesus, in our identities HAVE THE POWER!!
let’s turn the tables
You set me down
my wide-eyed look made you grin
its a river child
my tears + your tears
the silent tears of people that they believe nobody hears
but I do
and now you do
go.  follow My river
drink deep
swim deep
take them down to the river
dance in the river..
there is healing in the water
I started with you because you were always listening
you had a heart for me when you were in your mother’s womb
you were no accident.  no mistake.
you were not born for sufferings sake
now take up your sword of promises and wield them
oh God
hear us
rend the heavens and come down
i’m NOT giving up or giving in
i am standing my ground in Jesus name
the enemy isn’t getting it back
You are the God who’s breath gives life
breathe on me
breathe on us
breath on my family abba!!
oh God that still works miracles
i cry out …