living in fast forward now rewinding in slow motion...

posttoday

opiate addiction & dependence is an american epidemic.  i am on day 14 going cold turkey and glory be to God i have such peace and clarity but i will talk more about this soon.... this is just the tip of the iceberg and i am not minimizing anyone else involved or maximizing myself like i have done in the past i am just letting God do the healing work He wants to do inside me so i can be free to love and receive love.

i threw my hands in the air and said show me something He said if you DARE--come a little closer... it isn't something you take .. it is GIVEN it is not taught--it is CAUGHT

round and round and a round we go.  that has been a prominent theme throughout my life.  it didn't just begin when my second marriage did.  it began in childhood and has repeated itself for other reasons

piece by piece in a very childlike way i began to learn to protect myself with certain behaviors

i will call it putting on armor because i can see that word picture. piece by piece.  haphazardly i'm sure.  a child cannot reason as an adult and i am we do what is marked all up in front of us. and parents cannot give what they do not have and i come full circle in understanding her i am learning that my TRUST was broken long ago.  not within this marriage or my first even.. i had broken trust that i brought into all of my relationships and i take ME wherever i go

and while it is one of the hardest things i have EVER done i can humbly admit that i am a controlling person i control to protect myself from being hurt by men.  underneath all of that anger and rage is FEAR i was taught that men are dogs and not loving.  not dependable.  that they can't provide and take care of us like we can fear of being abandoned.  of being unlovable. hurt people hurt people.  i hurt people.  not intentionally always but it was how i survived.  how i kept closed and shut up being shut up also kept out love..peace..JOY..kindness..forgiveness..gentleness..good gifts we pick up patterns and pathologies..it makes sooooo much sense! i was a child raising children and the damage and pain caused throughout these years is more than my heart can bear and i am learning in the DOING of truth..giving it to my burden bearer.  Jesus.  it is way to heavy for me right now

shut up with all of that toxicity and kept me in a cylinder pattern of insanity.  over and over and over the years turned their pages leaving me empty and without purpose...being literally driven hard every.single.day to prove i was good enough i learned to live fast..love hard..work hard..wear the pants hard..and i learned how to be right and how to bark demeaning words stewing in my own frustration not knowing what to do to get out

making those around me to feel stupid unloved and not good enough just how i felt...funny isn't it?

my mind goes fast..yes linsey i do even walk fast..thank you friend for sharing that with me that day it came into my day wrapped in love from God and yes..it did keep me from feeling.  i never stopped long enough to feel normal.  and just what in the heck is normal anyway? i really don't know what that will look like for me...i am willing to learn (these are some of the most powerful words we can LIVE ) much like lindsey lohan i believe i am addicted to chaos i was birthed in it--it is what i knew.  what was comfortable to me. it was my NORMAL much of the chaos has been self created there is truth that we make what we believe happen

posttoday2

i felt my life as a child very chaotic.  i felt nobody protected me and took care of me so i grew to do that for myself and i have never let myself be loved not by God

and not by my husband really...from anyone funny thing is even husbands are hurt.  wounded.  they have things they cannot give me either. i can't fix husbands..i can only be willing to heal myself

be willing to say the hard words about myself...my behavior to find true HEALING is only in JESUS ( just a thought as i was typing) funny how unknowingly you can push someone away and cause all kinds of crazy...ugh

that day... on the couch...i remember i needed the hole gone.  i needed saving and i sat down and i felt my spirit just let go...a HARD SURRENDER i was just done.  tired.  exhausted.  i surrendered it all to Him take what needs taking and GIVE back what is needful and i will be obedient to TRUST YOU...trust YOUR love for me

i am willing to walk into new territory that is HARD & scares the heck out of me i am willing to walk through the fires and the rivers and the rocky places and the places of sheer abandonment..the fears that assault me because i KNOW that i know that i know....that i am not alone that you hold me right tight with only love in your hands and when you see me YOU delight in me.  i am always enough in my shattered brokeness you know where every piece goes when i don't i am willing to trust the process abba

be willing to be wide open to be vulnerable.  be willing to be hurt be willing to forgive.  

i want to be free from myself i want to live within the ME you are creating i can make it through anything in the One who makes me WHO i am phil. 4:13 the message thank you jamie;)

i want to be WHOLLY transparent

posttoday1

i DARE abba to come closer i know it is the way.  you told me that so directly last week i will not doubt i do not know the future and honestly i am tired of worrying about it i want to live today.  i want to love today.  i want to enjoy today.  i want to be present today i want healing for me for my husband and for my children

i have believe YOU for that for years....there is a purpose for all of this i know.i believe trust it will never EVER be PERFECT like i think it should be i know we are all broken in some way but can i be healed and be a part of others healing?

can i abba?  i don't want to waste a single minute i could be taken home today and i want to LIVE--

so much of what i though mattered doesn't really not in the eternal picture of things i threw my hands in the air and said SHOW me SOMETHING -- DARE to come closer abba...

i am going to end today with these life changing words that i read while in minnesota a few weeks back where it all came crashing down i hi-lighted them and then wrote them in my journal and on the inside cover of the book they are from the book bread & wine.  funny that a book like that God can use..i believe He can because of shauna's vulnerability and transparency telling her STORY

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i am frayed and starving i knew i had to find a new way to live and a new way to nourish myself along the way it is more than reading the devo's and bible -- ( my input ) and shauna said " there is a point when you have TO DO" pay attention to your tears they tell you something

it is in the DOING that freedom from self is found I DARE... in His grip of grace love you