it was this yesterday morning in the aloneness of the car ride home from school that He spoke i was thinking back on a time of in court house when the mediator asked me..would you like to leave now? maybe i wore it like a nice comfy shirt. i don't know.
a combination of fear, anger, & extreme sadness had my foot spiraling down threatening to suck the life right out of me when the sound was so loud in my ears i could barely hear the yes escape from my lips. if i had wanted i could have reached out and touched the emotions of the room that day. she gave me permission to leave when i could have just got up and said i am done. i am not doing this. emotions hurt just like physical ones.
going back to this morning while thinking on this random memory came the word permission and the dialogue went a little something like this...
it was so simple... "i need permission to leave?" really is asked? the more i thought of it - it need permission to do lots of things
this is starting to make sense! i am an adult. i do not need a father or mother to give me permission anymore. that is a good thing about being an adult isn't it?
i can eat a whole bag of cookies of i wanted...
when the mediator gave me permission to leave from observing that what was escalating wasn't going in a good direction...was a good choice for me i was
I was relieved but why couldn't i do that for myself first?
i am thankful to have this word today
it shines some more light onto my story. gives me a little something to chew on i have been thinking a lot about false guilt and real guilt too .. maybe it reading Daring Greatly .. i don't know but it is good
i am going to be more aware of permission from now on and how this might free me even more i am an adult now. i do not need authority figures to give me permission so that i can be kind to myself or others. or makes choices that could save me or others.
if i make a mistake and make a wrong choice it shows i am living that i am engaged. that i am not letting fear keep me against the wall anymore.
do you find you need permission to do certain things? or talking over things alone in a car?:) or paralyzed for fear of making a wrong choice? me too... know YOU are not alone..if nothing else please know that today say some kind things to yourself today..and i will too:)