as I wring my hands and bite the sides of my cheeks. I contemplate this edge. I can stay in Sanctuary or I can step across the border. head out to Canaan. I stand in much the same place as Ordinary. I too, can see the hill country. It is much different than I'd imagined. It takes my breath away. It calls out to me. Loudly. I can feel You arms around me. Standing behind me..Your very presence palpable as I vacillate. You know me well don't You? I smile. I love that about You Father that You know me so well.
The giants look the same I tell Him. 10 years. Has it been that long? Yes..He smiles and His love crumbles me in a heap of deep sobs seeing my unbelief that You couldn't help me kill the giants. And I ran. I ran back to where it was safe and I got very comfortable in my sickness and I hardened my heart to You. Shame smothers me and the sobs that wrack me run tears into the ground..my heart being forced from hiding by the pain of my heart and my circumstances. Exposed I lie there in the presence of His Love Light, shames shadow as fear circles around me like a ravenous animal..starving from days on end without food. Time goes by. Like a heroine addict for her next fix my pain found no relief in anything worldly.
my fingers tore through the flesh of my chest...tearing through tissue, bone and cartilage until the pulsating heat stopped them...a searing heat tore through me and panic sought to overcome me but an inch further and I hit bone and with everything in me I pulled with both hands..the cracking of splintering bone opening my chest..blood spilling..flesh ripping .. arching in pain I lay there..a film of sweat covering me as fought to breathe..
finally with the little strength I had left...I gave Him my heart. All of it. Take it. Your medicine is what I need.
All I could hear was my heart pulsing in my ears. I felt His love take my hands out of my chest and He then ever so gently placed His hands all around my heart and the pain stopped and my body relaxed into His love. My chest tore open right there on the edge of Sanctuary...I turned my head to look again at the hill country. I could feel His love pulling the needle and thread through my flesh.
I heard Him speaking so I turned my head to look full in His face..the love anesthtizing me ..taking me deeper. and I slept. Time. Time is what I heard Him speaking as I drifted into dreams in color.
Yes the giants are still there. They haven't changed. They are stationed..ready for me to face them. If I want to enter into the Hill Country I have no choice. Dear child - you've changed. You have chosen the gifts of the Wasteland. They were not wasted. I'm holding them here in My hand. Do you see them? I nodded my head yes. My eyes struggled to focus on them but I could see their outline. I could make out different shapes. One in particular was glittering iridescently.
"every place the sole of your foot will tread upon I have given you..I will not leave you or forsake you" was in the color blue. and I smiled.
and I dreamed ... that my belief was like that stone that the boy David killed the giant with. A miracle was executed that day. And when I saw what the purpose of that story was that You would be known...and honored...I wept tears of repentance. A gift I've shown you child. Time has shown you this. Giants have a purpose not just for you but for Me. I want others to know Me. I choose the weak things of the world to do exploits through.
As I lay there in the coma of His Light Love. He meticulously worked. The last thoughts I remember are
thinking story after story of You and your people - they are weary - stuck with no other way out of their pain...but they believe
in the face of that giant... for a miracle.
as I lay here in your Love Light..in the name of the only One who can .. I invite You to do a miracle in my life and the lives of these precious women.
In Jesus name::
belief is just the perfect stone to defeat the giant...
::and there was a holy silence::
32. to allow my heart to be seen in its entirety
33. to choose to please You and not myself
34. to cast the stone