When I was little, Dibby told me a story about her cousin who had a dog – just a mutt – and the dog was pregnant. I don’t know how long dogs are pregnant, but she was due to have her puppies in about a week. She was out in the yard one day and got in the way of the lawnmower and her two back legs got cut off. They rushed her to the vet who said, "I can sew her up, or you can put her to sleep if you want. But the puppies are OK – she’ll be able to deliver the puppies. Dibby’s cousin said, "keep her alive." So the vet sewed up her backside and over the next week that dog learned how to walk. She didn’t spend any time worrying; she just learned to walk by taking two steps in the front and flipping up her backside and then taking two more steps and flipping up her backside again. She gave birth to six little puppies, all in perfect health. She nursed them and then weaned them. And when they learned to walk, they all walked like her.
I went to bed last night angrier than all get out... shoving it down further with a pb&j sandwich at 10:00 pm. Sixteen...full of hurt, betrayal and anger..holed himself up in his dark room with the dark songs feeding the everybody else's fault and our family is so messed up and they don't want to go through it all over again... mindset.
The words that could slice through came out almost...his attitude provoked the anger out. " I can't stand...." and I wanted to say you--
I walked out carrying that you and went right into my place of emptying and I started talking to You..a reminder went off..talk to me about everything remember? When that anger comes... bring it Here...talked more ...slept.
Between being gently shaken and dozing I muttered a good morning and gave Him a hug...the fog still thick the words came again. 4:45 on the phone caught my eye...I finally understood...He wanted me out of bed.
I talked specifically beginning with things that had made me angry with him...then I asked it...the question...WHY am I so angry at them sometimes? In the midst of what at is going on now why this? Have you ever known God to put the focus right back on you when you think it is something else? There was a history to these questions..this wasn't over last night..this was chronic disease I'd had for 24 years.
Beth Moore said, " God willed - no matter how difficult - to make sure my two precious pups would not grow up to walk like their mother the victim. Or like her mother the victim.
Me? a victim? that seemed so wrong and yet the piece fit perfectly
There the truth was..it coursed through my body signaling the timing of God's grace. Father gives grace for truth doesn't He...truth. Grace for Truth.
I see myself in them...I'm angry at myself for being/staying trapped! when I hear it in them..it rubs up against it..
His word was a gem...meant to be placed in the foundation of my new heart house...my new house...the one that I belong.
I wanted you to know why you are so angry at your children
They've learned to walk like you. You are angry because somewhere inside you know where this is headed for them. You see their future...different but the same.
Now you are ready to SEE and to allow me to do something impossible in you and your children's lives.
I grew up watching the women in my family being victims...to insecurity.
I was a victim as a child. Trapped. I wasn't given a choice. I moved into adulthood with this mindset attracting relationships that kept me off balance and emotionally drained..controlled to my very core.
Remember at the end of the year when I said here I forgot something and I was going back to get it?
Now I know what I'm supposed to go back for. ME. I'm going back to bring that little girl out of captivity. I feel almost as though God is rending my heart and coming down with the missing pieces I've been agonizing over for years
I've lived trapped because I believed the lie I was.
I've taught my children how to live trapped.
I'm going back for her. I'm ready...He is with me with every step I take. I'm going back to the day I was born. Why? I was once asked the question, " when was a time in your life when you were the happiest...and I couldn't really pinpoint a time when I didn't have this heaviness pushing down on me. The day I was born...or during the nine months. It is there. He wants to show me so He can be there and heal it.
I don't believe He shows us anything unless we are ready to be healed of it. I've said it much lately...no matter how hard fear falls like rain I KNOW God is moving...and I choose to trust. I'm writhing...sweat glistening on my heart...each day brings a new obstacle. His water washes over me.
Have you lived trapped?
Sharing my heart @ Mama's Heart over at Erin's today would you please join us?
Photo Credit - Obliterated Heart