You are the God of miracles...

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march 7, 2016
papa
elijah challenged the people in I kings 18:21
how long are you going to sit on the fence?
IF God is the real God, follow Him
if it’s Baal, follow him
make up your minds!
oh Lord, i come boldly this morning
running to you father
if i can just get to you
just get to my father
oh i boldly plead for the restoring + rebuilding of my family
that they encounter Your father’s heart for them
that it is good and ONLY good!
let’s turn the tables church
lets take HOPE into the streets
let’s speak over our homes + our families
and the people in them
even if it is in ruins
especially if it is ruins
i am so done with playing it safe
playing by the “fear of man”
by social media and what will they think
time is running out + unless your deal already
NOW is the time
we have life in us
i want to go so deep Spitit
tell me where to go
where is the sound of the silent screams that i can go
and give what You have given me
oh papa, my heart is just breaking over my family
my marriage
almost 25 years
and i know in the natural it is beyond repair.  it is hopeless.  i know.
You have proved Yourself so faithful to my YES..to me giving You my trust
You are my Husband
You are delighted with where You + i are today
i know
i went to sleep in you lap last night with you gentle rocking and sushing
and “ it’s going to be ok’s “
as i sobbed + sobbed the lost 25 years that “feel” wasted
the years of prayers not answered
or answered in the way i believed they would be
it is all so different that i thought
and we aren’t even that far off the map yet papa
when i’m honest the only thing i can remember about my life is pain
growing up and up until the last 10 months the pain wasn’t only on the inside
it was coming from the outside too
“ i can’t take anymore pain” was and still is at times a tape that plays in my thinking
as i see the 25 years coming to a close
my first husband passing away 4 months ago
with so much that was left unsaid
it is happening again
so much left unsaid
living with shame + guilt.  a whole life long.  letting them make your choices.
so much left unsaid
i replay the years of moving to so many houses
my kids being little
trying so hard to make the family that i had dreamt of since i can remember
trying to fix so many things that weren’t mine and just making more + more of mess
i left my children when my life came crashing down in a million pieces when my grandma
died and i met the neighbor boy at 12
and set in motion that i was going to make him love me
+ was married at 16
she was my little god.  she was who i looked to for safety
for rescue
she took care of us
we were so young we couldn’t take care of ourselves + our little family
and one day she was just gone
so much left unsaid
and i didn’t know what to do
how to live right
how to love + be loved in safety.  in wholeness.  in balance.  in respect
after my first divorce i was willing to go to hell and back to make it work
in many ways i did
taking my children with me
i see You Papa all over the place
i have have words from you from 15 years ago
You constantly leave me in awe + wonder
watching you so gently walk with my kids
walk with me
save Him papa!  DO SOMETHING!  i know You are
i don’t say that in doubt
You know that
sometimes i just want to give up + move on
i did last time i was home
i took that step and said those words
how do you put to rest 25 years
when i ask myself
did we make such a mess with everything - there is such a long way to go abba
will i live to see it?
i’m middle aged now
fairty-tales don’t come true for old people in the natural do they?
they aren’t on the silver screen
only the pretty + plastic
i don’t want anymore of that
i want REAL + supernatural
i want to live to see your sons + daughters do exploits
making signs these days is copied ALL OF THE TIME
You + i know that our backstory is one of rescue
social media doesn’t know that
but You + i do
that can’t be copied
because it is a supernatural working
it is Your story.  Your glory.  Your impossible that becomes possible
Your rescue
it would not be the same
without the backstory
You walked every single second with me.  You went into it all with me
night after night of the breaking of bones
battling the night fears and whispers of lies in my ear
the despair of EVER living life again
the difference to then + now is i KNOW WHO I AM
the wilderness changed me
You found me.  filled me.
now the tables have turned
and i want to use them to turn the tables on the enemy of the family
the family needs HOPE
in flesh
in the sons + daughters of God
taking HOPE to the streets
COMFORT to the streets
help me Papa.  show me where.  let me HEAR the sound.
when the question that has been unanswered my whole life
until this last year
can it take 47 years?  yes.  God’s timing is sure not ours.
in my human mind i ask?  now what papa?  i’m old
my children are grown..
“ do you love me enough to come after me? “
oh how You smiled and laughed out loud
and reached down and gathered me into Your arms
and held me so tight
all the questions fell off as i opened my heart as wide as i could
and received it all
You really like me!!!  oh my!  i am so loved!!
i buried my face in Your smell
frankensnse…that is what You smell like Papa
and i wept.  and wept and wept until there were no more tears
while you just rocked and comforted
our tears mingled and dropped one by one pooling around our
love
i rested.  i choose to trust one more day
You are the God of miracles + if there were not impossible hopeless broken and bruised
hurting abused … despair + depression
then the rescues would be nothing out of the ordinary
it is the Light of Your fiery love that dispels the darkness
Now is the time to share your Father’s heart
that you are a good good Father
that the spirit of religion is shouted down
it is time that the captives be set free
that families have a place to come for the Light to come and dispel the darkness.. the secrets
to have a safe place to encounter Freedom…to encounter Jesus
the enemy has us living in false fears!
we WE, in Jesus, in our identities HAVE THE POWER!!
let’s turn the tables
You set me down
my wide-eyed look made you grin
its a river child
my tears + your tears
the silent tears of people that they believe nobody hears
but I do
and now you do
go.  follow My river
drink deep
swim deep
take them down to the river
dance in the river..
there is healing in the water
I started with you because you were always listening
you had a heart for me when you were in your mother’s womb
you were no accident.  no mistake.
you were not born for sufferings sake
now take up your sword of promises and wield them
oh God
hear us
rend the heavens and come down
i’m NOT giving up or giving in
i am standing my ground in Jesus name
the enemy isn’t getting it back
You are the God who’s breath gives life
breathe on me
breathe on us
breath on my family abba!!
oh God that still works miracles
i cry out …

lent day 1 | raw + unedited

raw + unedited || lent day 1 it was when 15 years were ticking on to 20 like the blinking of an eye i stopped pointing the finger looking in every self-help book for the why’s stopped talking to anyone about my circle living + its crazymaking on a walk one day i was angry + desperate i asked, “ papa, if this power that raised jesus from the dead lives in me why is nothing changing? why am i still going around in circles doing the same things over + over? “ when 20 years earlier i sat in a small country church listening to a pastor from st. kitts read isaiah 6 right from the bible and wept + my heart cried “ send me “ in the spirit realm the clock struck midnight the genes of my wilderness memoirs began i had no idea that what was coming was going to ruin me + save my life in hindsight i wonder if the first question was the answer to the first question? i believe now that God allowed the circumstances of my life to unfold taking me out of the church + its “ spirit of religion “ that was stealing my life really how could Abba send someone that was lacking…a newborn baby left out in the field bloody in need of love when a child grows up without nurture love protection they seek for it in all the wrong places that none of those places can truly fill i had to learn about this jesus who lived in me what that really meant what the kingdom of God really was it wasn’t an institution or a building or on sundays + wednesdays i was unaware of the tender swaddling of Jesus how He rocked + rocked me speaking words of love over me singing me love songs you wanted to speak words of love into my very being over + over again until i believed them you took me out into the wilderness to rebuild me life’s circumstances literally dismantled everything i used to survive i was in such survival mode that everyday was just let me make it through today…through this night…it was the most painful thing to watch my children be in such pain and not being able to do anything ( that is the lie i believed ) it ate me alive. day after day i was stripped of my driven personality to be superwoman and mom i homeschooled 4 children, taught a sunday school class, kept my house spotless and inside felt superior because no one could do all i did… that kind of gross thinking. as my marriage was spinning like a top trying to keep my surviving in check the stress turned on me. on my health. on the inside funny..the ulcers + blood were all on the inside eating me from inside out and my skin hid what was going on inside so i could walk around looking one way + hiding what really going on isn’t that what humans do best? we can hide almost anything from other humans for a very long time can’t we? but not God He sees everything and by choice goes into those dark places with us and sits there until we are ready to turn back to Him the wilderness lasted about 15 years while i was stripped naked of everything i thought i needed i saw my Love in every new way i can think of Jesus loved me to live. He revived me He began rebuilding me telling me Who He was for me + who i was to Him He smuggled me into His secret place where i’m kept safe + secure ( psalms 27:5-6 msg ) the wilderness ended in june 2015 when i said YES to partnering with God in one of the scariest things i have ever done! i’m sure He was like, “ child, FINALLY! i believed the lie that i was stuck that i was just meant to live on the sidelines of life i really did believe i was a victim… oh that just makes me so mad at the devil!! i learned that i couldn’t sit around for 15 years expecting God to swoop in and rescue me without me having to lift my hand .. to be a part of the rescue He doesn’t enable He had to “make me something” before He could GIVE me something! whew that is awesome right there! i am now in a new season. a season of unlearning so much of what i thought was truth. every bit as BIG + SCARY only in a different way i now know my Papa so much better. i’ve got so much to write + share

it is time to set the captives free with our testimonies! there is power + freedom in testimonies God is raising up warriors from all over right now let it be said of this generation like in Hebrews 11 by an act of faith ( insert your name ) no matter how old or young you are. your alive! now is the time no more excuses. it is time to say YES to what you know you are to do the YES is worth everything God will never ever ever ever disappoint You really did catch me papa…i love you so

first seen on IG 2.11.16

i am a daughter...

daughteri am not sure just how many years I there in my filth + blood tenaciously trying to get my needs met through other human beings, being used + using until I was left stripped and shattered so far gone I felt hopeless to ever know what living really was

::::

My heart ached for the knowing

the second the linen touched my cold clammy shaking body the uncurling of my fetal body the warmth spread like a soft burning fire throughout my whole body and from the top of my head your hand called come alive...come alive... Come

And my heart cried abba! Papa

It's you

::::

I turned my face to yours as you kissed me and breathed your breath into mine

Your love washed me + wrapped me 

the oil of your kiss turning the stone to flesh

Your strong arms swept away the fear as your smile spoke softly saying come child...

He walked ..

He carried me for what seemed like hours but were years

He + i wrestling with wounds that he would put his finger on and pour oil in and bandage 

healing deep pieces and places

i thought there was no way to fall deeper but i did

::::

through these times i knew i wasn't completely alone

i clung to the edge of his love 

begging, fearing abandonment

don't let me go

the squeezing came..the pain inside was unbearable..inconsolable

until i caught a glimpse of light

it came + went for days 

the gentle pressure moving me along

all went dark as i gave in, letting it carry me

rustling of what seemed like velvet robes were moving around me and the smell like christmas 

morning in my bestest wildest dreams 

i had a twirly dress on..sitting cross legged on a bed so big

::::

not knowing where I was

how i was going to get down

i tried taking it all in..the beauty! As far as I could see

in every direction

it fell..startling me

my hand reached up catching it

pulling it down cradling it in my hands as if I found the most prized possession in all of the history of history

i was surprised!

it was mine! I was FOUND

i was HIS 

it was to big that day but I didn't care

i wore the lopsided crown like it was a 10 carat diamond

::::

i knew I was loved

i fell in a love so deep that day

i am a daughter 

i am a bride

i am exploring every inch of this new land that i woke up into...

i am a beloved child growing up into a beloved daughter

He calls each one of us by a name

sliding down off that big bed that day the light caught my attention

hidden in the mess of bed linens 

i pulled on it and out came the most beautiful sword I had ever seen

i wrapped my hand around the handle pulling it down with me as my feet hit the floor...

::::

we sang these words at @thebelongingco last week...at the end of good good father - i can't stop singing them